Paint by Numbers Guide to Status Whores!

After last week's introduction to the concept of the status whore, let's give the little wonklings a lesson. All together now -- this one's for the kiddies!

Are You a Status Whore?

There is a disease that threatens all the wonks and wonks-in-waiting in Wonktown.

Status whoring.

Whether it's lying back and spreading them for a little proximity to power, or bending over and taking it hard just so you can say you were in the room when a deal was struck, you have become a Status Whore.

If it's not happening to you, Wonktowner, it is definitely happening to someone you love. (Or someone you pretend to love because they can totally get you in with the major players.)

We are dedicating ourselves to helping you and those you know who are suffering from Status Whoredom. For our first installment, please take and use this clip-and-save guide we call Friends Don't Let Friends Become Status Whores:

The first step to overcoming your problem is to admit that you need help. You can proclaim your status whoredom to the world by wearing it on your shirt.

Sign On, Crazy Diamond

There's nothing like a coalition for coming together to speak truth to power. And the favorite vehicle for speaking coalition truth is the letter signed by multiple groups -- AKA, the sign-on letter.

Who Are You -- Who, Who? Who, Who?

Trying to get on the same page, however, takes some effort. And the struggle to get it done reveals just what kind of coalition player you are.

The Coordinator

The Coordinator starts life as any of the types you'll see below. Stuck in the thankless job of keeping the coalition together, however, squeezes all life out of the hapless soul. Telltale sign: the lines under the eyes; the weary voice; the tendency to grab the table and hold on for dear life.

And nothing makes him or her happier than a sign-on letter -- that everyone in the coalition insists on changing!

The Strategerist

The coalition sign-on letter is just a letter from the advocacy community to say that a bill isn't good enough (or is the best thing since sliced bread). Not so for the Strategerist.

No, the Strategerist just can't let a letter be enough. He's like a master chess player in his own mind -- he's thinking five, six, seven steps ahead of everyone else.

His most comforting thought: if you're not on board, you just don't understand.

The Designated Prick

Or the Designated Cunt, depending on the gender. This person sees it as his job to keep the coalition honest, consistent with core principles. And what better way to do that than to beat everyone over the head with your superior ethical sense? After all, nothing makes a wuss become a man quicker than being called out for a wuss.

The Douchebag

Antithesis of the Designated Prick.

Philosophy: sprinkle enough sugar on a steaming turd, and it becomes a nice fudge pie! You don't say in a letter that you oppose a bill... you state that you have concerns -- or, better, you have questions about it. Yeah, people respect the soft touch!

Fighting this person is the Designated Prick's obsession.

The Idealist

Ah, the Idealist. No one can make sighs of desperation better than the Idealist who is appalled by the compromises going on in a coalition letter.

(Grows up to become the Designated Prick.)

The Whiner

Last but not least: the Whiner. The Whiner sees himself or herself as the voice of equality and fairness within the coalition. To speak truth to power within the circle of those who speak truth to power.

Perenially disappointed that life isn't a Joni Mitchell song or Sharon Olds poem.

The Final Product

Once a draft letter has gone through the sausage factory, it rarely looks anything like it did before. But it will be something the whole coalition had a hand in developing -- and that's a swell thing!

Wonktionary

Being a Wonktown insider doesn't require any specific degree -- JDs, diploma mill MAs, even frivolous Ph.D.s are all welcome. And it doesn't require any knowledge of anything, really -- you can make it all up on the fly, and most people in Wonktown will let you get away with it (because they have done it themselves and are probably doing it now).

In a town where so many people are all talk, getting the lingo right is essential. No one will believe you're an insider if you talk like an outsider!


The Cliche Clique

The Wonktown Players love their lame cliches. If you speak without reference to the pre-established talking points, you aren't being independent: you are "going off the reservation." If your coalition fails to reach agreement, you might have the dreaded problem of failing "[to be] on the same page." When you intensify your lobbying efforts, you "step it up," "go into overdrive," "pull out all the stops," and maybe even "go balls to the wall."

Extra points every time you use a cliche that hints at sexual repression.




I'm Too Sessy for My Lobbyist

So how do you know if someone is a real Wonktown player or just a poseur? Give them a vocabulary test!

The Word
Issue	The subject of your lobbying efforts.	Who says I have issues?
Message	Noun: our talking points, packaged and framed for strategic value. Verb: to message: to package and frame messages, as above.	A kind of foreplay. (Is that how you spell it?)
Line up	To consolidate your supporters and get your allies "lined up" in support of your position.	What my nipples haven't done in years.
Peel off	To get Republicans to cross the aisle and vote on your side.	What happens to my clothes just before sex.
Whip	To check in with members and find out how they're going to vote, and then tally up the number on your side (your "fives"), the number against you (your "ones"), and the members who are fall out between those extremes (your "fours," "threes," and "twos").	Oh, no, I don't do that. Except that one time.
Tongue lashing	Enforcement! -- what you try to get leadership to do to caucus members who have gone off the reservation.	What my well-meaning boyfriend tries to do. Why don't they get a class in this? Shouldn't they teach this in high school?
Explode	When everything goes to shit -- it's suddenly all over the TV news, and constituents are calling, and members are waffling. It's the kind of chaos we live for!	What my boyfriend used to do in the peeling off stage (see above), until we took that kama sutra class.
Member	Of Congress.	Not big enough.
Player	Someone who can get a meeting with Reid and Pelosi in the same day.	He whom I shall not hate, although I may hate his game.
Crater	When Congress can't get its act together -- deals fall apart, just when something is supposed to go to a floor vote.	For fuck's sake, I'm not that much of a slut.