Wonktionary

Being a Wonktown insider doesn't require any specific degree -- JDs, diploma mill MAs, even frivolous Ph.D.s are all welcome. And it doesn't require any knowledge of anything, really -- you can make it all up on the fly, and most people in Wonktown will let you get away with it (because they have done it themselves and are probably doing it now).

In a town where so many people are all talk, getting the lingo right is essential. No one will believe you're an insider if you talk like an outsider!


The Cliche Clique

The Wonktown Players love their lame cliches. If you speak without reference to the pre-established talking points, you aren't being independent: you are "going off the reservation." If your coalition fails to reach agreement, you might have the dreaded problem of failing "[to be] on the same page." When you intensify your lobbying efforts, you "step it up," "go into overdrive," "pull out all the stops," and maybe even "go balls to the wall."

Extra points every time you use a cliche that hints at sexual repression.




I'm Too Sessy for My Lobbyist

So how do you know if someone is a real Wonktown player or just a poseur? Give them a vocabulary test!

The Word
Issue	The subject of your lobbying efforts.	Who says I have issues?
Message	Noun: our talking points, packaged and framed for strategic value. Verb: to message: to package and frame messages, as above.	A kind of foreplay. (Is that how you spell it?)
Line up	To consolidate your supporters and get your allies "lined up" in support of your position.	What my nipples haven't done in years.
Peel off	To get Republicans to cross the aisle and vote on your side.	What happens to my clothes just before sex.
Whip	To check in with members and find out how they're going to vote, and then tally up the number on your side (your "fives"), the number against you (your "ones"), and the members who are fall out between those extremes (your "fours," "threes," and "twos").	Oh, no, I don't do that. Except that one time.
Tongue lashing	Enforcement! -- what you try to get leadership to do to caucus members who have gone off the reservation.	What my well-meaning boyfriend tries to do. Why don't they get a class in this? Shouldn't they teach this in high school?
Explode	When everything goes to shit -- it's suddenly all over the TV news, and constituents are calling, and members are waffling. It's the kind of chaos we live for!	What my boyfriend used to do in the peeling off stage (see above), until we took that kama sutra class.
Member	Of Congress.	Not big enough.
Player	Someone who can get a meeting with Reid and Pelosi in the same day.	He whom I shall not hate, although I may hate his game.
Crater	When Congress can't get its act together -- deals fall apart, just when something is supposed to go to a floor vote.	For fuck's sake, I'm not that much of a slut.