Bosses to Beware

So, you want to work in Wonktown.

Someone has already explained that they mean it when they call it “not-for-profit,” right? And you realize that, even though you will be in the center of power, you will be totally, completely, and utterly without power?

Chump.

Allow us to provide you with essential information you will need in your job hunt: a guide to the bosses you will encounter, whether it’s at NGOs or in the halls of Congress (as if you want to work there, anyway).

In short: bosses to beware.

Duella Demented

Aww… isn’t she sweet, that little old lady pulling candy from her purse? Wait – what’s that … growling … ? Keep back! Stay baaAAKAK-AAAGGGHHH!

Working for her, you will get a piece of hard candy every day.

But you will also have a stapler thrown at you.

Management philosophy: Keep them on their toes! (It tones up the legs. Mmm … tasty legs!)

The give-away: Either you see her transform into the devil incarnate during the interview, or you have to rely on word of mouth. Sorry.

Flaky Flo

Work for her, and you’ll wish this Flo was a sassy waitress with a henna beehive. A rousing “Kiss my grits!” would make ten times more sense than anything that does come out of Flaky Flo’s mouth. Yes, this Flo has left a trail of dead brain cells going all the way back to the 1970s. And you will feel yours die a little every day you work for her.

Working for her, you will change your position on the War on Drugs.

But you will also turn to drink. Every night you leave work.

Management philosophy: Hunh?

The give-away: The vacant stare. That creepy vacant stare. (And the way outdated clothes, moron.)

Harriet Hurry-Up

You’ve seen her (barely) — that blur darting in and out of pedestrian traffic, cellphone glued to her hand, sensible shoes peeling tread in her wake. She’s so very, very important that multi-tasking isn’t enough; she multi-multi-tasks! So guess what you’ll be expected to do!

Working for her, you will produce more in one month than you ever did before in a whole year.

But you will also forget what a “weekend” is.

Management philosophy: Can I get back to you on that? I’m getting a call.

The give-away: The entire job interview will last no more than 10.3 minutes.

Mr. Mack

The now-you-see-it, now-you-don’t wedding band! The unerring eye for every nubile just-graduated-from-jailbait chica! That broad grin that makes even you forget he’s totally almost 50!

Working for him, you will be taught the wonder that is the expense account when he picks up the tab at happy hour.

But you will also find that Barely Legal has lost its charm.

Management philosophy: When they work for you, they’re off limits (unless they’re nannies, babysitters, au pairs, or maids).

The give-away: Hand stuck permanently in the Grab-Ass Grip.

Passive-Aggressive Pete

Always weighing questions on the one hand and on the other hand (but if you look closely, you’ll see the one hand is a little heavier than the other hand). Always answering questions with questions (that all somehow seem to lead you exactly where you suspect he wanted you to go from the start). Maybe.

Working for him, you will learn conversational jujitsu.

But you will also find yourself thinking, “If I’m not in the doghouse, why does everything suddenly smell like dog shit?”

Management philosophy: If they never know where they stand, they … sorry, no, that’s pretty much it.

The give-away: You’ll leave the interview thinking you got every question wrong.

Sally Seen-It-All

She was there when the issue was created. She was there when every issue was created! And she knows something about everything!

So why does she need you? Someone has to water her plants! And hold her bags! And un-dog-ear her books! And tell her what’s really going on in the issues… so she can tell you in minute detail exactly what you need to do next!

Working for her, you will learn in detail what it was like in the good old days, when TR broke the trusts!

But you will also learn what it means to break out in hives.

Management philosophy: I don’t really have time for philosophy; this organization needs me too much for too many things. No one would do anything without me here. No one would do anything right without me here.

The give-away: A faint whiff of Ben-Gay.