Paint by Numbers Guide to Status Whores!

After last week's introduction to the concept of the status whore, let's give the little wonklings a lesson. All together now -- this one's for the kiddies!

Are You a Status Whore?

There is a disease that threatens all the wonks and wonks-in-waiting in Wonktown.

Status whoring.

Whether it's lying back and spreading them for a little proximity to power, or bending over and taking it hard just so you can say you were in the room when a deal was struck, you have become a Status Whore.

If it's not happening to you, Wonktowner, it is definitely happening to someone you love. (Or someone you pretend to love because they can totally get you in with the major players.)

We are dedicating ourselves to helping you and those you know who are suffering from Status Whoredom. For our first installment, please take and use this clip-and-save guide we call Friends Don't Let Friends Become Status Whores:

The first step to overcoming your problem is to admit that you need help. You can proclaim your status whoredom to the world by wearing it on your shirt.

Sign On, Crazy Diamond

There's nothing like a coalition for coming together to speak truth to power. And the favorite vehicle for speaking coalition truth is the letter signed by multiple groups -- AKA, the sign-on letter.

Who Are You -- Who, Who? Who, Who?

Trying to get on the same page, however, takes some effort. And the struggle to get it done reveals just what kind of coalition player you are.

The Coordinator

The Coordinator starts life as any of the types you'll see below. Stuck in the thankless job of keeping the coalition together, however, squeezes all life out of the hapless soul. Telltale sign: the lines under the eyes; the weary voice; the tendency to grab the table and hold on for dear life.

And nothing makes him or her happier than a sign-on letter -- that everyone in the coalition insists on changing!

The Strategerist

The coalition sign-on letter is just a letter from the advocacy community to say that a bill isn't good enough (or is the best thing since sliced bread). Not so for the Strategerist.

No, the Strategerist just can't let a letter be enough. He's like a master chess player in his own mind -- he's thinking five, six, seven steps ahead of everyone else.

His most comforting thought: if you're not on board, you just don't understand.

The Designated Prick

Or the Designated Cunt, depending on the gender. This person sees it as his job to keep the coalition honest, consistent with core principles. And what better way to do that than to beat everyone over the head with your superior ethical sense? After all, nothing makes a wuss become a man quicker than being called out for a wuss.

The Douchebag

Antithesis of the Designated Prick.

Philosophy: sprinkle enough sugar on a steaming turd, and it becomes a nice fudge pie! You don't say in a letter that you oppose a bill... you state that you have concerns -- or, better, you have questions about it. Yeah, people respect the soft touch!

Fighting this person is the Designated Prick's obsession.

The Idealist

Ah, the Idealist. No one can make sighs of desperation better than the Idealist who is appalled by the compromises going on in a coalition letter.

(Grows up to become the Designated Prick.)

The Whiner

Last but not least: the Whiner. The Whiner sees himself or herself as the voice of equality and fairness within the coalition. To speak truth to power within the circle of those who speak truth to power.

Perenially disappointed that life isn't a Joni Mitchell song or Sharon Olds poem.

The Final Product

Once a draft letter has gone through the sausage factory, it rarely looks anything like it did before. But it will be something the whole coalition had a hand in developing -- and that's a swell thing!

Wonktionary

Being a Wonktown insider doesn't require any specific degree -- JDs, diploma mill MAs, even frivolous Ph.D.s are all welcome. And it doesn't require any knowledge of anything, really -- you can make it all up on the fly, and most people in Wonktown will let you get away with it (because they have done it themselves and are probably doing it now).

In a town where so many people are all talk, getting the lingo right is essential. No one will believe you're an insider if you talk like an outsider!


The Cliche Clique

The Wonktown Players love their lame cliches. If you speak without reference to the pre-established talking points, you aren't being independent: you are "going off the reservation." If your coalition fails to reach agreement, you might have the dreaded problem of failing "[to be] on the same page." When you intensify your lobbying efforts, you "step it up," "go into overdrive," "pull out all the stops," and maybe even "go balls to the wall."

Extra points every time you use a cliche that hints at sexual repression.




I'm Too Sessy for My Lobbyist

So how do you know if someone is a real Wonktown player or just a poseur? Give them a vocabulary test!

The Word
Issue	The subject of your lobbying efforts.	Who says I have issues?
Message	Noun: our talking points, packaged and framed for strategic value. Verb: to message: to package and frame messages, as above.	A kind of foreplay. (Is that how you spell it?)
Line up	To consolidate your supporters and get your allies "lined up" in support of your position.	What my nipples haven't done in years.
Peel off	To get Republicans to cross the aisle and vote on your side.	What happens to my clothes just before sex.
Whip	To check in with members and find out how they're going to vote, and then tally up the number on your side (your "fives"), the number against you (your "ones"), and the members who are fall out between those extremes (your "fours," "threes," and "twos").	Oh, no, I don't do that. Except that one time.
Tongue lashing	Enforcement! -- what you try to get leadership to do to caucus members who have gone off the reservation.	What my well-meaning boyfriend tries to do. Why don't they get a class in this? Shouldn't they teach this in high school?
Explode	When everything goes to shit -- it's suddenly all over the TV news, and constituents are calling, and members are waffling. It's the kind of chaos we live for!	What my boyfriend used to do in the peeling off stage (see above), until we took that kama sutra class.
Member	Of Congress.	Not big enough.
Player	Someone who can get a meeting with Reid and Pelosi in the same day.	He whom I shall not hate, although I may hate his game.
Crater	When Congress can't get its act together -- deals fall apart, just when something is supposed to go to a floor vote.	For fuck's sake, I'm not that much of a slut.

Coalition Politics

What's not to love about coalitions? Joining hands and joining forces to speak truth to power! United we stand, together we lobby!

So, if you want to play in Wonktown, you have to learn how to play together. For the benefit of junior wonk wannabes everywhere, we have taken it upon ourselves to produce a primer on coalition politics.

Our first lesson: the conference call!







Alpha Fight

Conference calls typically begin with someone announcing a proposed agenda, and then at least three other people chiming in to revise it. Even if it's the same basic agenda call after call after call, coalition calls just can't get underway without this basic struggle for dominance. Whose is bigger? Find out!





Total Information Awareness

Get over the idea that coalition calls are a time to share intelligence. They are a time to show who has the intelligence that others don't.

Did we say "intelligence"? We meant information.






Noise Pollution

Courtesy is for pussies. If you are a power player, you cannot be expected to know how to mute your line while your subordinates come into your office to ask you for your coffee order.






The Distraction Attraction

Repeat after me: You are a very, very busy person. You have lots of deep and important thoughts running through your head. You cannot possibly be expected to follow every twist and turn the coalition call takes.






Master Debater

Coalition calls have their own special logic. It's not who has the right chain of thought; it's who's loudest and most confident who wins.

Make sure you bring a Kleenex or moist toilette to wipe yourself when you win.






Strategery

Great minds coming together to strategize! -- no, that's not what happens in a coalition call. Ever.






Climax

When the call comes to a close, what else is a circle of jerks to do?

Some Jobs Suck, but This One’s a Hoover

So, have you just realized that boss is a four-letter word? Is your dream job a nightmare?

Wake up and smell the office supplies! It’s not that bad! Actually, it’s worse!

Fret not. Realizing that you are in a job that is sucking life, love, and everything good out of you happens in seven distinct stages, which were recently charted by noted occupational psychologist Elisabeth Fumbler Toss. Knowing these stages will help you process your feelings of “what the fuck am I doing with my life?” and turn them into a surly "whaddaya want?"

The Seven Stages of Hating Your Job

Shock & Disbelief

The initial shock of realization can be painful, like a copy machine cover slamming down on your hand.

Can this place really be this fucked up? Yes, it can!

Denial

Once the initial shock wears off, you might start doubting yourself. Surely, you might tell yourself, I must be wrong. I’ve only been here for ten minutes. How can I already be thinking this place is seriously fucked up?

Because it is.

But you can’t let yourself believe that, can you? Because then you would have to admit that you signed up for this soul-sucking, life-draining, hell-isn’t-other-people-it’s-a-job job.

Ah, denial… it ain’t just a river… it’s also a security blanket!

Bargaining

The truth kicks in, and then… oh, boy, it’s an ugly, ugly truth.

“But, wait,” you say. “Maybe I can make it work! Maybe I can figure something out to reduce the sucking force.”

And maybe you can learn how to make chicken salad out of chicken shit, too!

Guilt

And then it hits you, as obvious as a “Could you please put the toilet seat back up, people?” sign in the unisex bathroom: you signed yourself up for this. Willingly.

Sure, there’s the whole bit about needing an income in order to eat, drink, drink, and drink. But if you had gone to law school like your mother wanted, you could be in a law firm instead of this hellhole. And, well, if this hellhole is a law firm, then of course you realize you signed up for three soul-sucking years of law school and law school debt in order to take this soul-sucking job in a soul-sucking profession.

But please, in the guilt phase, stop banging your head against the desk. It only makes the hangover worse.

Anger

Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.

Seriously: fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.

Go ahead, let it out. Because if you don’t, you might find the words “Fuck. You.” flying out of your mouth right when you least expect it. Like when you’re talking to your [prick/cunt] of a boss.

Depression

Oh, fuck.

So now there's no denying the ugly reality: this job sucks. Like that vaccuum they sell on infomercials that never loses suction.

The danger of the depression phase is that you let yourself get sucked into the swirlie and let things slip. Which will cause your boss to come down on you. Which will suck. Which will drag you down further.

The only healthy coping strategy in the depression phase is to self-medicate with strong drugs and stiff drinks. (Just stay away from the ugly chick at the end of the bar. Because that would suck. Which would propel you to drink again. Which....)

Acceptance

But finally you realize that (1) your job sucks, and (2) it just sucks. It's not you; it's the job.

And there's really nothing you can do about it but quit or take up strong drink.

And play the lottery. Because your luck has nowhere to go but up, right?

Right?

Bosses to Beware

So, you want to work in Wonktown.

Someone has already explained that they mean it when they call it “not-for-profit,” right? And you realize that, even though you will be in the center of power, you will be totally, completely, and utterly without power?

Chump.

Allow us to provide you with essential information you will need in your job hunt: a guide to the bosses you will encounter, whether it’s at NGOs or in the halls of Congress (as if you want to work there, anyway).

In short: bosses to beware.

Duella Demented

Aww… isn’t she sweet, that little old lady pulling candy from her purse? Wait – what’s that … growling … ? Keep back! Stay baaAAKAK-AAAGGGHHH!

Working for her, you will get a piece of hard candy every day.

But you will also have a stapler thrown at you.

Management philosophy: Keep them on their toes! (It tones up the legs. Mmm … tasty legs!)

The give-away: Either you see her transform into the devil incarnate during the interview, or you have to rely on word of mouth. Sorry.

Flaky Flo

Work for her, and you’ll wish this Flo was a sassy waitress with a henna beehive. A rousing “Kiss my grits!” would make ten times more sense than anything that does come out of Flaky Flo’s mouth. Yes, this Flo has left a trail of dead brain cells going all the way back to the 1970s. And you will feel yours die a little every day you work for her.

Working for her, you will change your position on the War on Drugs.

But you will also turn to drink. Every night you leave work.

Management philosophy: Hunh?

The give-away: The vacant stare. That creepy vacant stare. (And the way outdated clothes, moron.)

Harriet Hurry-Up

You’ve seen her (barely) — that blur darting in and out of pedestrian traffic, cellphone glued to her hand, sensible shoes peeling tread in her wake. She’s so very, very important that multi-tasking isn’t enough; she multi-multi-tasks! So guess what you’ll be expected to do!

Working for her, you will produce more in one month than you ever did before in a whole year.

But you will also forget what a “weekend” is.

Management philosophy: Can I get back to you on that? I’m getting a call.

The give-away: The entire job interview will last no more than 10.3 minutes.

Mr. Mack

The now-you-see-it, now-you-don’t wedding band! The unerring eye for every nubile just-graduated-from-jailbait chica! That broad grin that makes even you forget he’s totally almost 50!

Working for him, you will be taught the wonder that is the expense account when he picks up the tab at happy hour.

But you will also find that Barely Legal has lost its charm.

Management philosophy: When they work for you, they’re off limits (unless they’re nannies, babysitters, au pairs, or maids).

The give-away: Hand stuck permanently in the Grab-Ass Grip.

Passive-Aggressive Pete

Always weighing questions on the one hand and on the other hand (but if you look closely, you’ll see the one hand is a little heavier than the other hand). Always answering questions with questions (that all somehow seem to lead you exactly where you suspect he wanted you to go from the start). Maybe.

Working for him, you will learn conversational jujitsu.

But you will also find yourself thinking, “If I’m not in the doghouse, why does everything suddenly smell like dog shit?”

Management philosophy: If they never know where they stand, they … sorry, no, that’s pretty much it.

The give-away: You’ll leave the interview thinking you got every question wrong.

Sally Seen-It-All

She was there when the issue was created. She was there when every issue was created! And she knows something about everything!

So why does she need you? Someone has to water her plants! And hold her bags! And un-dog-ear her books! And tell her what’s really going on in the issues… so she can tell you in minute detail exactly what you need to do next!

Working for her, you will learn in detail what it was like in the good old days, when TR broke the trusts!

But you will also learn what it means to break out in hives.

Management philosophy: I don’t really have time for philosophy; this organization needs me too much for too many things. No one would do anything without me here. No one would do anything right without me here.

The give-away: A faint whiff of Ben-Gay.