Wonktown

CAP and Trade Integrity

2007-06-18T12:33:00.000-04:00

The Center for American Progress published an issue of The Progress Report repeating self-congratulatory talking points from Democratic congressional leadership. Their message: "Don't be Demappointed, people -- we're doing stuff! Really!"CAP, if you aren't familiar with it, was founded to be a think tank for progressives, the Heritage Foundation of the left. But there doesn't seem to have been

Are You Demappointed?

2007-06-15T11:29:00.000-04:00

The Democratic takeover of Congress was an exciting moment for many. That excitement has subsequently evaporated. From Iraq to global trade to global warming, the Dems are leaving many with a special kind of disappointment that deserves a special name. Say, Demappointment.One reason, though not the only, is that the Dems are just as bought-and-sold as the GOP:Citibank gives money to Tom

Paint by Numbers Guide to Status Whores!

2007-06-12T21:27:00.001-04:00

After last week's introduction to the concept of the status whore, let's give the little wonklings a lesson. All together now -- this one's for the kiddies!

Drive-By Monday: June 11, 2007

2007-06-11T12:10:00.000-04:00

> You've heard of the Consumer Product Safety Commission, which is there to protect us from unsafe toasters and toys. How about a Financial Product Safety Commission?> GOP prez candidate Mike Huckabee thinks Gitmo is a nicer place to be a prisoner than the state pen. Assrape, torture, assrape, torture -- six of one, half a dozen of the other, right, Mike?> Supreme Court nixes "enemy combatant"

Are You a Status Whore?

2007-06-08T18:51:00.000-04:00

There is a disease that threatens all the wonks and wonks-in-waiting in Wonktown.Status whoring.Whether it's lying back and spreading them for a little proximity to power, or bending over and taking it hard just so you can say you were in the room when a deal was struck, you have become a Status Whore.If it's not happening to you, Wonktowner, it is definitely happening to someone you love. (Or

Sarah Silverman Is Magic

2007-06-07T20:06:00.000-04:00

If you haven't seen this yet, you must: Paris Hilton gets fucked, metaphorically, and Sarah Silverman cringes at the sight of Hollywood eating its own. And this is basically the only punishment Hilton is getting, so watch it many, many times.UPDATE: No, not the update that she's going back to jail. There's another version of the Sarah Silverman clip out there on YouTube, making up for the

You Don't Need Our Take on the Debates...

2007-06-06T18:58:00.001-04:00

...not if you can get Fred Thompson's.Better yet, you can read Blogs4Brownback's hilarious exchanges in advance of the debate. Some favorite lines: "The Constitution is an obvious fraud to me because it guarantees that which the Bible prohibits, i.e. due process of law, the freedom to be secure in one’s possessions and papers, the freedom to avoid torture, the 'freedom' to express thoughts

Postponing the Picture Pages

2007-06-05T20:06:00.000-04:00

We have to do it again this week. Why? Stupidly, we waited up all night to watch Internet phenom and certifiable nutcase Ron Paul on the Daily Show, which was neither as nutty nor as interesting as one might have thought. And tonight is all about the GOP debate, which is proving to be quite nuts indeed.

They Eat Their Own (and Babies, Too)

2007-06-04T08:20:00.000-04:00

So, apparently, the anti-abortion movement is splintering in the wake of the recent Supreme Court decision on partial birth abortion, targeting Focus on the Family's James Dobson for using their cause to raise millions of dollars in an anti-abortion industry.Of course, he has basically been a Republican party apparatchik embedded in the evangelical religious sector and trying desperately to keep

Speed Reading

2007-06-04T00:01:00.000-04:00

> The Ron Paul Internet phenomenon is being dismissed as (1) just a lot of spam [AC], and (2) just a lot of non-Republicans [Ace of Spades].> Wow. After you read about shady "auctions" of domain names that aren't for sale, go all the way down and read reason to speculate about domestic spying of the Web. [Uptime] > The federal government's bizarre refusal to allow any cattle operation to test

Random Ron Paul Observation

2007-06-01T00:11:00.000-04:00

Is it just me, or does Ron Paul totally look like that judge from Dancing With the Stars? Separated at birth!

Ron Paul 2.0

2007-05-31T23:30:00.000-04:00

News flash: Ron Paul loves the Internet. Duh... it's responsible for all signs of life in his campaign. Ron Paul is becoming the new Howard Dean: outsider candidate who strikes it big with the netroots and then will go down in flames as his party coalesces around an insider. (My money's on the faux folksy one over the pretty boy.)Prediction: when the time comes that he bows out of the race,

Protests at Soldiers' Funerals

2007-05-31T22:08:00.000-04:00

Kansas, New Hampshire, and Maine (and who knows who else) have all been moving to outlaw protests at funerals, motivated mostly by disgust at protests being staged at funerals of soldiers killed in Afghanistan and Iraq. (The protests cut both ways -- protests against the war, and protests against homosexuality (go figure).)Once again, it is a story so frustrating we are left snarkless.It's just

Note to the Editors: Wonktown Is Like a Blue State

2007-05-31T00:01:00.000-04:00

Not a state, but pretty darn blue just the same. So, Washington Post, please stop giving us this red state crap.

Losing Two Fights at the Same Time

2007-05-30T22:56:00.000-04:00

One of the lessons of 9/11 was that many of us were finally forced to learn about Al Qaeda and Osama bin Laden -- and how the U.S. backed bin Laden's fight against the Soviets and then promptly ignored the country when the Soviets were repelled and Afghanistan was left in ruins.So, after the 9/11 attacks and the U.S. military toppled the Taliban, what did President Genius do -- but essentially

Sign On, Crazy Diamond

2007-05-30T11:50:00.001-04:00

There's nothing like a coalition for coming together to speak truth to power. And the favorite vehicle for speaking coalition truth is the letter signed by multiple groups -- AKA, the sign-on letter.Who Are You -- Who, Who? Who, Who?Trying to get on the same page, however, takes some effort. And the struggle to get it done reveals just what kind of coalition player you are.The CoordinatorThe

High-larious Faux Campaign Blog

2007-05-29T18:30:00.001-04:00

Wonktown loves a good pseudo-blog, especially for the campaign season. There are some really funny ones, but this one -- Blogs 4 Brownback -- wins the prize hands down.It's the most elaborate pseudo-blog out there -- the jokes even go all the way down to the comments section. This comment is the best: "What earthly good is learning about astronomy and evolution, unless you want to stare at the

Oops...

2007-05-29T16:47:00.000-04:00

So, all three of you who read this blog might have been waiting with baited breath for our weekly illustrated look at life in Wonktown. (Or, out of the three of you, the two who realized that we have said weekly installment that runs every Tuesday.)But in our post-Memorial Day hangover, we completely forgot to bring the "art" (or whatever you might call the scratched stuff that accompanies the

Something to Remember

2007-05-28T15:04:00.000-04:00

Sober note for Memorial Day: Since March of 2003 we have lost 44 battalions worth of soldiers and marines.

Memorial Day Drive-By

2007-05-28T08:43:00.000-04:00

>> Who is this moron? (And I'm not asking about Ron Paul.)>> This is news?>> McCain finally went back to the Senate after missing more votes than anyone but Tim Johnson, who suffered an aneurysm. Best commentary: “By all accounts, John McCain is not recovering from the brain hemorrhage many believe he suffered around the time he announced his candidacy for president.”>> This guy asks the question

Get Out of Here

2007-05-25T17:09:00.000-04:00

Normally, we are lazy on Fridays and just do a series of bullets recapping the week. But this is the start of Memorial Day weekend. We are commencing drinking earlier than anticipated, so just scroll down if you want to see what was posted this week. Then go, immediately, to the nearest bar or cookout. Peace out.

Best. Headline. Ever.

2007-05-24T17:39:00.000-04:00

From In These Times:The Democrats' Pussification'nuff said.

Congratulations, You Have Been Selected to Have This Annoying Ad Screaming on Your Computer

2007-05-24T17:11:00.000-04:00

Could someone please develop a widget or plidget or a snidget or a something that would kill that web ad that screams, "Congratulations. You have been selected to win two free iPod nanos"?!? It interferes with the online porn I'm trying to watch secretly at work.

Will It Rise Again?

2007-05-23T13:04:00.000-04:00

Researchers have discovered a virgin birth in a shark tank that held three adult female sharks but no male shark. The baby shark was sacrificed one day later.I say we check back in three days.

Wonktionary

2007-05-22T18:16:00.000-04:00

Being a Wonktown insider doesn't require any specific degree -- JDs, diploma mill MAs, even frivolous Ph.D.s are all welcome. And it doesn't require any knowledge of anything, really -- you can make it all up on the fly, and most people in Wonktown will let you get away with it (because they have done it themselves and are probably doing it now).In a town where so many people are all talk,

Drive-By Monday: Non-Wonky Links Edition

2007-05-21T13:01:00.000-04:00

Our favorite dark rabbit hasn't hopped in a while......but she did point us in the direction of valuable medical information.There is hope for all of us... or fate is a cruel bitch, one or the other.You can either listen to inadequate karaoke or this kick-ass brilliance.Framing, yadda yadda yadda.Oh, and this guy has excellent taste.

Swirlies for You

2007-05-18T14:57:00.000-04:00

Or just a recap of the week that was:Primer on coalition politics, lesson one: the conference callPut-upon candidate or not, that Ron Paul guy is also nutso -- and, like all candidates, annoying us with their invasion of Web 2.0Love you long timeDubya -- like Caesar, but also a fisher of menOnce, twice, thrice we have been given reason to be depressed about crucially important TV-related

Why Haven't We Posted Today?

2007-05-17T16:26:00.000-04:00

Because we're depressed, people.Working in Wonktown can be draining, and one easy and inexpensive way to relax is to watch the boob tube. Sometimes, though, TV just isn't rewarding. Today is one of those days.First punch thrown: last night, the Fox Karaoke Show, and the announcement that our favorite neckless contestant has been Jennifer-Hudsoned. The remaining final two contestants include

Best Summation Ever of a Campaign

2007-05-16T10:41:00.000-04:00

McCain "has been running an insane non-campaign with the theme that he's the man that can keep everything heading down the toilet we're already swirling around in."

Coalition Politics

2007-05-15T11:27:00.000-04:00

What's not to love about coalitions? Joining hands and joining forces to speak truth to power! United we stand, together we lobby!So, if you want to play in Wonktown, you have to learn how to play together. For the benefit of junior wonk wannabes everywhere, we have taken it upon ourselves to produce a primer on coalition politics.Our first lesson: the conference call!Alpha FightConference

Boob Tube Has Leaky Implant

2007-05-14T16:54:00.000-04:00

NBC has its struggles, but ABC is making a solid pitch for retaking last place.

I Am a Fisher of Men

2007-05-14T16:24:00.000-04:00

Dear Dyuree:I gotta love this country. They're getting close, but they still can't let themselves believe what's going on.See, it's simple. We can't have a War on Terror if there isn't any terror -- and we can only get away with the "We're fighting them over there to keep from fighting them here" crap for so long.So we go fishing for some terror. We find something that might do, and then we make

The World Gets Even Duller

2007-05-14T15:35:00.000-04:00

Let the conversation be texted to you.No.Candidates, please, stop with the Web2.0 already. We don't want your reeking-of-virtual-pot Second Life HQs, and we are so done with your Facebook mugging that we can't even bother finding a link to any of your lame-ass Facebook profiles.

The World Gets a Little Less Interesting

2007-05-14T15:32:00.000-04:00

No more love you long time jokes. Are the crack whores next?

Caesar Renders Unto His Voting Base

2007-05-14T15:11:00.000-04:00

Dear Dyuree:Duh.The name of the game is gravy train, and I rode that choo-choo back to the White House.Some people say that the faith-based programs don't work. Well, no shit, Sherlock. Any program that's all about some invisible magic man in the sky is gong to fail. But you know what does work? Buying them. We're the silent partners in God, Inc.And the Jesus freaks love us for it.

A Taste of Crazy, Ron Paul Style

2007-05-14T09:20:00.000-04:00

Blogland has gone bananas for hopeless GOP prez candidate Ron Paul.Maybe it's because he serves it up crazy with a side of insane. Here's a look at what he's been bringing to the table in Congress this year:H.J.RES.23 : Proposing an amendment the Constitution of the United States relative to abolishing personal income, estate, and gift taxes and prohibiting the United States Government from

Mommy's Day: How Many Times a Year Do We Have to Go Through This?

2007-05-13T11:00:00.000-04:00

Dear Dyuree:I hate Mother's Day. Because if I don't call, boy will I hear about it. And if I do, her beautiful mind will be full of mean things to say, which she will jab and jab and jab just for the pleasure of cracking my nuts. Sometimes it's like she's got the devil himself inside her.

Ain't I a Stinker?

2007-05-12T14:46:00.000-04:00

Dear Dyuree:Heh heh heh. See, they won't let me flip people off -- they say it's boorish and ill-bred or something like that -- so instead I get back by tying people up in knots. All I got to do is open my mouth, and I get them going back and forth trying to figure it out.See, they know I don't really like to read and stuff, but they know I have an active brain, so they're stuck between

And on the Fifth Day, We Rested

2007-05-11T23:02:00.000-04:00

We flipped through the pages of Dubya's Diary,prayed there is no such thing as hand cancer,considered the literary theory snarkism "meta-bukkake,"and considered occupational psychology.

So We Forgot Some Emails, Big Deal

2007-05-10T14:39:00.000-04:00

Dear Dyuree:Oh, man. They're getting close... a little too close.Oh, hell, screw it. I'm not worried. This will blow over. (Heh heh heh... I said "blow"!)

How Pernicious HPV Really Is

2007-05-10T11:29:00.000-04:00

Having an alternative to the vagina is useful in times when, say, you don't have a condom but things are going in the right direction anyway. So to hear that there's no place else to put it without a cancer risk is troubling on too many levels to contemplate.As soon as they find evidence of hand cancer, we're checking into a monastery.

Turncoat.

2007-05-09T19:04:00.000-04:00

Dear Dyuree,Turncoat. Mother-luvving turncoat. See, they say it's the Iraqi government, but really what they're saying is they want to stop my goddamn war. They get all chicken shit because people say they want out, but what do they think this is, a democracy? Christ almighty.Remind me I gotta get something on this guy. Who's he sleeping with?And what the hell kind of name is Mitch, anyway?

Girl Trouble

2007-05-09T18:42:00.000-04:00

Dear Dyuree,I never had this many problems with girls. The First Cunt got her panties in a twist-wad and moved out, and now some bunch of dried-up virgins hate me.Fuck them. Bring it on. I'm the President. I'm untouchable. I own the press, goddammit.

Some Jobs Suck, but This One’s a Hoover

2007-05-08T10:21:00.000-04:00

So, have you just realized that boss is a four-letter word? Is your dream job a nightmare?Wake up and smell the office supplies! It’s not that bad! Actually, it’s worse!Fret not. Realizing that you are in a job that is sucking life, love, and everything good out of you happens in seven distinct stages, which were recently charted by noted occupational psychologist Elisabeth Fumbler Toss. Knowing

Drive-By Monday: 5.7.07

2007-05-07T10:05:00.000-04:00

Grammar Lesson: “I will never go to Olive Garden again.” Not because I have taste, but because I now have the taste. No Longer the 51st State: The Canadian plot to take over the U.S. has begun… Déjà Moo: …assuming they don’t drive themselves mad first. The Buzz: Hottest diet trend for 2017 will be the Bread-and-Water 24/7. Advances in

Look Back in Wonkery

2007-05-04T18:26:00.000-04:00

Ahh … the week that was in Wonktown. Drive-By Mondays: Anti-diarrhea rice, massage v. “massage,” DC pizzeria with something special Kooks Illustrated: Bosses to Beware Fables of the Deconstruction: The Imus-Limbaugh DialecticAnd then we got lazy.

Crazy, Congress-Style

2007-05-03T17:33:00.000-04:00

Looks like Ron Paul could be the new Kitty Harris.

The Imus-Limbaugh Dialectic

2007-05-02T14:47:00.000-04:00

Racially-charged stupidities uttered on the air: it’s not just for Don Imus anymore. Actually, half a month before Imus revealed his impressions about the hair stylings and sexual habits of the Rutgers women’s basketball team, Rush Limbaugh sang a little ditty called “Barack, the Magic Negro.” Inspired by an L.A. Times op-ed, Limbaugh composed a song so bad he had to do it twice, the second

Bosses to Beware

2007-05-01T10:55:00.000-04:00

So, you want to work in Wonktown. Someone has already explained that they mean it when they call it “not-for-profit,” right? And you realize that, even though you will be in the center of power, you will be totally, completely, and utterly without power? Chump. Allow us to provide you with essential information you will need in your job hunt: a guide to the bosses you will encounter, whether

Drive-By Monday: 4.30.07

2007-04-30T16:46:00.000-04:00

Grammar Lesson: Apparently there’s a difference between a massage and a “massage.”New Foods, Coming Soon: Anti-diarrhea rice. (We’re going to wait until it comes in sake form.)Government Ethics Lesson: You can be totally sleazy, and it’s OK if you are transparently sleazy.Job Tip: In case Daddy doesn’t give you enough weed money.Confusion, Thy Name Is Government: Someone’s a pot, someone’s

Welcome to Wonktown.

2007-04-29T20:36:00.000-04:00

You might want to try the bypass instead.